It’s Complicated

Love of all forms is complicated {understatement of the year}.

What’s really complicated is when the most sincere love you have from somebody, is complicated for others. Does that make sense?
It does to me. Because it is basically the relationship I had with my grandpa. My grandma has said more than once “You’re the only person he truly loved” in regards to my grandpa since his death. She tells me I am the only person he ever truly loved, not her, or his first wife, or his six children, or my brother. But me, the girl who was terrified of men her entire life captured the heart of a man who was seen as gruff, strict, and honestly straight up mean by his wife of more than 40 years and the children he raised.

Grandpa was an alcoholic (but had not touched alcohol for years by the time we moved in), a Captain in the Navy — he was strict, militaristic, he married my Grandma, and they had a very rocky and complicated relationship.

But I did not know this man. My grandpa opened his home, heart and arms, to a 10 and 11 year old when their mother dropped the ball. The 11 year old was an angry hurt boy, and the ten year old was a little girl who feared the world, but presented a shiny bright smile to the world loving it unconditionally. Maybe this is why Grandpa loved me so? Because he saw the hurting, but also saw how I always tried to give only love.

My grandpa, the man I knew read the paper every morning and saved the funnies for me.

He drove my brother, neighbors, and I down to the bus stop anytime it rained.

He loved huge blueberry muffins, and his coffee black.

He got teary eyed when I came into the living room in my long purple dress for eighth grade formal and went on and on about how pretty I was.

He did the same when I was in 9th grade wearing a lime green gown for military ball.

He  did again and insisted on a picture with me when I was in my bright blue dress for my junior prom.

And once again in my little blue and black dress for my senior year prom, and he said he couldn’t believe how grown up I looked.

He was always willing to drive me anywhere I needed to be and we always listened to talk radio. He didn’t even complain when he had to get up and take me to work every day of the summer at 6AM and he was glad to pick me up if needed too.

He bought me box after box of saltine crackers, and frosted mini wheats after the first time I told him they were my favorite.

He scooped me ice cream every night when the ice cream was too frozen for me to get it out easily.

When I went away to college he told me how much he missed me in the mornings, I got two coffee mugs made with my picture on them and he used them nearly every day.

He hugged me and kissed me as if it had been years when I came home every single weekend my freshmen year.

Even as he got sicker from Parkinson’s Disease and Cancer, he would light up every time I came home.

He may not have been the best husband or father, but I believe he gained some sort of redemption by being the greatest Grandpa a broken little girl could’ve ever needed.

Today is his birthday, and I miss him greatly. RIP Grandpa

A birthday wishlist

Just incase you were wondering, these things make my heart pitter-patter.

Things my friends have created:

1. Enrollment in the soulsigh ecourse

2. Subscription to rightbrain planner

3. A custom secret message from Mandy

4. Subscription to Mandy’s Secret Message Zine

5. Pre-order of Mandy’s book Thrashing About With God

6. Something pretty from Lovingly Blessed

(^^^ Those are all the things I plan on spending any birthday money I get on)

Other Stuff:

8. Chocolate covered espresso beans

9. Macklemore’s album The Heist

10. A record player

11. Gift card to target or amazon or hallelu

Healing

When things are hard {like I spoke about in my last post} I must seek out things that encourage healing.

I’ve discovered some go-to’s over the years that get my heart going again. These work for me, because they provide me with the grace and space I need to accept the things that come. They are balms to my heart:

1. Write it out — it’s always amazing this huge release I feel when I hit ‘publish’ on a blog post that is baring my soul, or hit send leaving a post in my sacred space with the tribe of ladies I go to when I need to spill my words that aren’t for all the internet world to know. Also filling pages of my journal, {though I’ve learned that sometimes I need to talk about it beyond my personal journal too}

2. Hit the beach — or get outdoors. Something of that sort, but the beach holds the most magic for me. Especially at night {or as i discovered this week at 5:30 AM works too}. Getting closer to nature always provides a nice distraction, and the beach especially produces insta-feel good feelings in me. The sand, the crashing waves, the endless space, it just does.

3. Iced coffee — with cream and sugar. Especially when its from Dunkin Donuts and those sugar grains haven’t dissolved yet so its a little gritty and ridiculously sweet. holyfreakincrap. YUM.

4. Soul friends — I am seriously lucky to have some of the most incredible friends in the WHOLE WIDE WORLD. {I even have amazing friends online AND offline, how did I get to be so lucky?}. My tribe of’online-women are the ones I can bleed my heart out too without expecting anything in return but their acceptance and love and it’s pure magic. My offline friends are stinkin incredible too.

5. Dance and Create — Crank up some jams and have a mini dance party. Even if its just a dance party of one it does some magic. Also busting out my hula hoop {which i haven’t done in WAY too long} and/or digging into my art journal and getting down and dirty with some paint and glue and secret messages. It’s wonderful and often the thing i neglect for far too long.

6. Silence — sometimes I just need to find a quiet spot and cry my eyes out or just sit and think on everything going on.

7. {and most important} Acceptance — allowing and giving myself complete and total acceptance to feel what I need to feel, say what I need to say, and do what I need to do. To create the boundaries I need, and to remember it is 100% okay for me to put myself first and take care of me.

Getting through

I’ve written four blog posts in the past few days and not published any of them. (I stopped doing the may challenge, just don’t have the motivation to do it right now and I’m okay with that). Those four blog posts are full of all the confusing emotions I’ve been experiencing lately, and there has been a LOT going on. I still can’t figure it all out, what I want to share, or if I want to share anything.

The best way to even describe it is to tell you a few things, bullet list style cause that’s easier.

• I avoided every single mother’s day theme blog post in my reader.
• I woke up nauseous Sunday morning just at the thought of it being Mother’s Day. I almost didn’t go to church because I knew it’d be a tribute to Mom’s — I cried the entire service. I wanted to cry after but I dried my eyes and put on a smile. At the end of the day I still wanted to forget about the whole day.
• I’m so confused about other relationships, I spewed it all to my Uncle. I’ve never once talked to him about that stuff before.
• I almost threw up twice from crying so hard over all the stuff going on since last week.
• I have chosen sleep more than once over hanging out with people lately.
• I’ve been having really bad nightmares, which are all triggered by stress, and symptoms of PTSD from the abuse I suffered as a kid and its really freaking frustrating. I just want peace at night. I’ve been sleeping so much in the day partially because I am worried about nightmares at night.

Thats it in a nutshell, but not really delving into it all. I don’t know what to do with it. I’ve been praying, and writing and I guess sometimes stuff just kinda sucks. I know it’ll pass, and I’m ready for it to go. And I think I need more beach trips and iced coffee and time spent with friends. So I’m gonna do those things. and if things still suck I’ll try to adjust and just make it through.