One Year Later, I still ache

I’m starting this blog post  29 days (Feb 1st) before i hit publish because I already know March 1st is going to be a difficult day for me. Because March 1st means I’ve spent a year of my life without my Grandpa, and that hole in my heart is still gaping.

98% of the time I honestly don’t even let myself think about it, its so much easier that way, because when i think about his death and the fact that he is not here anymore this emptiness suddenly fills my chest and I feel hollow but heavy at the same time. It almost feels like my chest is going to either implode or explode and i also can’t get past the lump in my throat. This awful feeling just lingers with me and I cry and cry. So thats why i put it out of my mind most of the time because i still cannot process it completely. its still there under the surface and when I read articles like this one my chest aches.

I still haven’t published any pictures from my grandpa’s funeral because idk if its morbid or not to do so. I also have those pictures printed hiding in a corner of a box because I cannot look at them without losing it completely.

(Feb 25th: ) The ceremony was beautiful and perfect. Arlington National Cemetery is such a honorable resting place for my Grandpa. But I still wish he was here. I wish it every single day. I still struggle with why he had to be taken away from me. I still get angry with God about it all. I have dreams of Grandpa being with me and when I wake up in tears. I will be hurt and angry and just want to yell at him and you know what? God can handle my anger, He can handle my broken aching heart and when no earthly thing can fulfill my desire to be near my grandpa again the ONLY thing that calms me is when I curl up in bed, put on my grandpa’s flannel sweater and cry to God about it. I get my bible out and I read, I journal my thoughts and prayers. God gets me through it… every. single. time.

(Feb 27th: ) I still get frustrated with myself, I think ‘shouldn’t i be over this more by now?’ But I’m not, and i’m beginning to realize it will take a long time of healing for me. My Grandpa was a huge part of my life. He was more of a dad than my biological father is. He loved me so much and I loved him even more. I’m realizing its okay to not be ‘over it’ and I may not ever get ‘over it’ because I’m human and he was MY grandpa, MY hero, and MY friend. He was mine and losing something you love that much will always always cause pain.

I’m going to quit trying to ‘get over it.’ I’m going to embrace my mourning and allow myself to experience the grief i need to. And I’m going to snuggle into his flannel when I’m sad. I’m going to pray to God when the ache becomes to much. I have been changed by this loss and I’m not going to let that bother me.

(Feb 29th) : Tomorrow is March 1st, Its going to be a busy day with school and serving at our student ministry. It will be hard for me to not get teary-eyed constantly and I don’t doubt I will have a few breakdowns, I am good at emotional breakdowns. I have been wrestling for about a week now with all these emotions and grief I’ve felt. I wrote a short memoir piece for my Creative Writing class about my experience with my Grandparents being diagnosed with cancer and Grandpa dying, it was hard but it was also the first time I wrote freely and honestly about it. And it did provide some healing to my weary heart.

Tomorrow is going to be hard, I know it but I am blessed by beautiful friends, a loving family, and a God who cares about those hurts. So my tears will be dried, I will be hugged, and I will be cared for.

I will allow myself to feel the weight of my loss, I will mourn and grieve, I won’t get over it. I will grow from it.

The need to be lead.

I have a best friend named Jayme, and she is the best for a bazillion reasons but the number one reason she is the best friend I have is because of her response anytime I mention a guy and its always

“Does he love Jesus?” and “Can he lead you spiritually?”

She asks me “Does he love Jesus like YOU do?”

Because she knows how much I love Jesus, and how important my relationship is with Him. And because she watched me spend way too long in a relationship I was being drained from because he couldn’t lead me spiritually. She knew the ache in my heart because I was trying to make the guy I was dating into a spiritual leader he just wasn’t. And she saw the hurt i experienced when I needed to be lead and looked to the man in my life and didn’t get what I needed.

Because ladies, in your dating relationships and ESPECIALLY in your marriage/future marriage YOU NEED TO BE LEAD.

And if you’re anything like me you desire to be lead, when you have spent yourself encouraging and lifting others up you should be able to look the your man to encourage you and lead you spiritually. When you struggle with your faith, it makes the struggle a lot lighter when the man in your life can help you figure it out. Don’t expect him to have all the answers by any means, but if your significant other cannot guide you, (or doesn’t even point you to your bible) you need to get out.

Yes that sounds extreme but, my friends I say this because I care. If he isn’t leading you get out. Take a break, BREAK UP, whatever you think you need to do, please do it. Don’t try to convince yourself you can change him, don’t think he’s going to magically change because he hears a good sermon. He won’t turn into the man you need if he is focusing on YOU. No matter how good of a guy he is, no matter how sweet or charming. If he’s not chasing Jesus in his pursuit of you he’s not going to be the man you need.

So I’m going to be your Jayme and ask

Does he love Jesus as much as you do?

And if he doesn’t, please consider what I said about stepping away from the relationship.

It sucks to do it. It hurts, oh man it hurts but it gets better.

For Lent

For lent I’m giving up shame, guilt and self loathing.

For lent I’m giving up the need to be perfect.

For lent I’m quitting the emotional roller coaster i ride too often.

For lent I’m giving up people pleasing, and caring what people think.

For lent I’m going to stop putting others down to try and make myself better

For lent I’m giving up worry and the desire to be good enough.

Because I AM good enough.

For lent I’m going to eat as much chocolate as I want because it makes me happy.

For lent I’m going to talk to Jesus on my terms and quit trying to make my relationship with Him like everyone else’s

For lent I’m going to focus on self-love and bettering myself so I can better love people.

For Lent I’m going to dance more, yoga more, and maybe pick up hooping.

For Lent I’m going to eat at chick-fil-a as often as I want, post pictures of it on instagram and not feel guilty when everyone says I eat there too often. Because its frikkin good and I want to eat it.

For Lent I’m going to take care of me.

Stories

I had to share this because it connected with me and I hope it connects with something in you.

As part of my love list this year I wanted to share my story, and while i’m still trying to figure out just how I’m going to do it I feel the universe pushing me more and more towards sharing it. I already shared a part of my story with my storytelling class and will be sharing another part of my story soon with my creative writing class. Soon i will in some way be sharing my story on this blog too. In the mean time enjoy her story^^