Loneliness and Throwing Away the Vodka Bottle

by shelbyisrad

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Maybe it’s just me, but fall feels like the loneliest season. Actually that sounds so damn cliche, I know it’s not just me. Fall is the season of pumpkin patches, cozy flannels, and warming your hands around a coffee cup. And man if it doesn’t feel so much better holding hands with a cute boy through the pumpkin patch, snagging his flannel to get cozy in and sipping coffee together. Together, that what it is… fall calls for togetherness and sometimes you’re just sitting by yourself, wearing your favorite old sweater, sipping your coffee alone and sighing at the pictures of the cute couples in the dang pumpkin patch on instagram. And it’s just really, really lonely.

But there’s something different about my loneliness this year. Maybe because it feels like I chose this loneliness. I could be in a relationship if I really wanted to. I could’ve stayed in that routine I was in, of not feeling 100% happy with my life, but hey at least I had someone to hold my hand. I could’ve picked up a new routine with a new boy since deciding to step away from the last one. I’ve had offers, I’ve been taken out to dinner. I’ve put on a pretty skirt to go out with the nice guy to a lovely dinner and I still have felt loneliness. And I think feeling lonely in a relationship is even worse than just being lonely on the couch by myself.

So maybe this part of my life isn’t a lesson on loneliness, but learning to love loneliness (or at least be okay with it and stop giving loneliness the death glare). Maybe this is a lesson on learning to enjoy being myself alone, not defined by my relationship to another person. Or maybe it’s just a lesson to hide their posts in your newsfeed, get rid of that bottle of vodka (or whatever you’re still holding on to) he gave you as a gift that makes you sigh every time you see it in the freezer, to put on your favorite dress and go love the world and all its perfect loneliness.