In facing loss the only thing I can do is write

I am aching as I right this because I lost a dad last night. A dad, a mentor and a dear friend. For those who don’t know I’ve often said “I’m a daughter of many” I was abandoned by my biological father when I was a few months old and at 10 my mom left. I was dropped into the arms of my Grandparents and they raised me to be a strong independent girl. I always ached for a mom and dad though and in 8th grade when I met Jesus, God provided parents for me.

There are 3 families who I call my own, they opened their arms and pulled me in and nestled me into their lives. The Bohr’s were the first, Matt and Charlotte became Daddy and Mama C, and their 4 beautiful children were like younger siblings. They are the first ones who showed me Jesus’ love and Matt was the first man I ever called Daddy.

The Campbell’s were the most recent family to call me daughter. And I had the privilige of caring for Reagan and Avery and watching those angels grow up the past 3 years. Rob and Paula are mom and dad, they became the ones I called everytime I was hurt. They carried me through heart break, my grandparent’s cancer diagnosis, my grandpa’s death. They were my strong pillars through all of that.

And overlapping both of those was the Winsteads. I have never so quickly clicked with an entire group of people. I first became friends with Jeff, then is brothers and their wives and then his aunt marsha, became mama marsha and peyton, hailey, alyssa, and sarah became my sisters. They let me spend holidays with them when I would’ve been alone. They have loved me unconditionally. Debbie, (Jeff’s mom) always made me feel welcome and comforted, I never felt like I was an outsider. I was one of them, even sweet Nana Sue told me I was family.

But this post is about Keith, the second man I ever called Dad. The one who asked permission “Can I be your earthly dad too?” the one who said “Please count me as a Father”
Keith encouraged me to share my testimony, he encouraged me to be brave and share with a group of people I was afraid would shun me when I told them about my scary childhood. He prophesied over my life that night I opened up to a room full of people who became best friends. He said through tears that my story would change lives and I believed him. When Keith prayed for me I instantly felt peace. And I was not the only one he ministered to. There are countless lives he changed because of his story and his unconditional love. He was a true man of God in my eyes, even when he failed.

And last night he left this earth. And shook up our lives. A father, mentor, hero and friend to many. We are all aching for the loss. But more than that we are rejoicing because he’s with his heavenly Father. I am encouraged by the strength I see in his children and family. They are not letting anyone get glory in this by God. Their hearts are broken but they are still overflowing with love.
I’m writing this as a tribute to a great man and a tribute to the amazing family who let me into their lives.

Asking for your prayers/good thoughts. and I’m not sure i’ll be on here/twitter/facebook much.

But I want to say I love you all. Because when you lose someone those words “I love you” are the only ones I can think to say.

 

extroverted introvert

or maybe i’m an introverted extrovert?

Well in the personality tests/meyers-briggs stuff I’m right on the line. almost 50/50 when it comes to the extrovert/introvert stuff.(Lots of stuff in my life points to me being split/two people. so weird, I’m a gemini too “twins”) And sometimes I forget about my introverted side. Or I think I forget it but I think sometimes I ignore it.

I’m trying really hard though to LISTEN to my body, and my mind and what it all needs. Because when I listen I swear I’ll know which side I need to tend to.

I will feel a strong desire to be with people, or enjoy time with myself. And sometimes these desires are EXTREME, i literally crave people or I crave curling up in a quiet place. Sometimes when the desired need isn’t met I get really emotional and distressed and upset easily. In other words, I’m really sensitive.

And its taken a while to figure that out, that i’m not just an all the time people person, but that I need solace and some alone time. And that its important to listen to myself and do my best to go with the flow. I can’t be go-go-go all the time (and I cannot be in seclusion all the time)

this afternoon i reveled in the silence of my empty apartment, a much needed break after a hectic sunday morning.

Its a delicate balance that I’m figuring out slowly. Learning myself and what makes me tick is my new adventure.

And its one i’m really enjoying.

 

Puppies and Pansies

This is Titan, my brother’s rambunctious but super cute puppy.

If you’ve read my blog long you already know the love of my life Lucy. She gets so dang excited every time I come home it makes my heart happy.

And pansies I planted last summer for Grandma that are looking great this year. Pansies are one of my (and grandma’s) favorite flowers. Their lion faces always make me smile.

I was playing with Grandma’s Nikon while home, these are just some of my favorites.

In other news:

My week of summer is almost over… classes start thursday. (i still plan on enjoying myself as much as possible this summer though)
My birthday is in a few weeks and I have no idea what I want or what I want to do.

My summer reading list is getting long so much good stuff out there.

And Happy Mother’s Day to all you amazing Moms.

Like a blanket

I adore Mary Oliver, I’d love to wrap her words around me like a blanket and just sit with them. This one especially:

Wild Geese

You do not have to be good.

You do not have to walk on your knees

for a hundred miles through the desert repenting.

You only have to let the soft animal of your body

love what it loves.

Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.

Meanwhile the world goes on.

Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain

are moving across the landscapes,

over the prairies and the deep trees,

the mountains and the rivers.

Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,

are heading home again.

Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,

the world offers itself to your imagination,

calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting

over and over announcing your place

in the family of things.

from Dream Work by Mary Oliver

published by Atlantic Monthly Press

© Mary Oliver