Honestly

by shelbyisrad

Honestly, I think i fool a lot of people into thinking I have myself all together. I’ve been perfecting this act of deception since I was 5 and realized my home life was not okay or the norm and if someone found out I could possibly be taken away from my parents.  So I’ve gotten pretty good at it (i think, anyway maybe i’ve never been good at it and i’ve just been fooling myself this whole time).

Honestly, I feel like I am falling apart at the seems, I can barely finish my school work most of the time. I am constantly worrying about Grandma even though I know she’s doing better. I worry about my brother even though he is big enough to care for himself. I worry about my mom, my younger sister and brother and every other person I care about in the world.

Honestly, I am really angry a lot lately, at my circumstances, people, and at God too. I know  I shouldn’t question God but I do sometimes. And He knows it and I know it and I doubt so much that I feel like I’m drowning but I also know that He is reaching for me so much more than I am him.

Honestly, I don’t think I am the least bit qualified to lead a bible study. I don’t know how in the world I am leading such a great group of girls, because I do not deserve it. and I worry that I’m not doing the best I can.

Honestly, I cannot really remember the last time I REALLY prayed. (and I just lead my bible study last week in a talk about prayer.)

Honestly, I never consistently read my bible. (and I also recently lead a bible study about applying the bible)

Honestly, I am a hypocrite, a sinner, a failure, and I suck at school.

Honestly I struggle with lust, and sometimes jealousy consumes me so much I think I’m going blind.

Honestly, I have no idea what I want to do with my life.

Honestly, I just wish I could sleep for a really long time and not have to deal with anyone.

Honestly, I am hateful and sad.

Honestly, I worry if I’m depressed.

Honestly, I miss my mom so much it hurts, even though she has left me so many times, hurt me and my grandparents and pretty much thrown her life away. No one on Earth knows how my heart works as well as she does.

And Honestly, I am really glad God uses pieces of junk like me or I’d probably be on the same path as my mom.

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