Jaded

by shelbyisrad

In the last week of 2010 I have realized something, I have become jaded. I am living in a constant state of worry and exhaustion and I have been hurt so many times I have built up a wall around my heart to protect myself. I don’t know when it happened because I don’t remember building this wall, but I have realized there is something blocking me from the rest of the world.

I believe one of my greatest attributes but also biggest downfalls is that I love people with every fiber of my being. If you are close to me and I care about you, then you are adored, your are loved and I think about you often. Or at least I used too… I’ve realized I have become so cautious with my love these days. I have loved people with everything I am and had my love for them dropped, no, thrown on the ground stomped on and spit on by the people who I adored so much, and after that happens a few times you start to put up a wall. I have been hurt so many times by people who I cared about that it scares the hell out of me to love anymore.

But people are human, and humans are broken and we hurt each other, we are mean and don’t think about other feelings, so I guess I shouldn’t be surprised when these things happen, the only one who will never reject my love is God and I have to remember that, but part of Loving God is loving others….

and I used to be so so so good at loving others. But now it is hard for me, and that makes me so sad. Because in building this wall around my heart I built a wall around me… around the care free silly loving joyful Shelby who used to dance through life. I mean dance too, I used to dance in the hallways walking to class in High school. When i got excited about something I always expressed it through a happy dance of some kind. I was always bursting at the seams with love and affection and I wanted to pour it out on everyone around me so that they could feel just a fraction of the love of Christ I know.

So in 2011 I am going to start loving again, and I am going to delight in the things I do. I am going to love despite the pain I am afraid of because If I live my life scared of people hurting me I’m going to become bitter because they will hurt me no matter how much I do or do not love them. So this is me tearing down that wall, throwing away the bricks that were sealed the mortar of the people who hurt me. This is me forgiving the people who broke my heart; and not just dating relationships that broke my heart, but the friendship people threw away even the family relationships that fell apart. This is me making a change for the new year and this is me learning to love all over again.

I hope you’re ready.

Advertisements