First… Journal Day

by shelbyisrad

Dani at Sometimes Sweet is posting Journal Prompts and todays was describe a “first” (first date, first lie, first time you experienced something… etc.)

I’ve been feeling uninspired towards writing anything lately so being given a prompt is good for me, deciding what ‘first’ experience I want to write about has been tough, I’ve considered my first night at college, first real date, first ride on a horse, first time i realized guys are creepy, and a few others. I decided to share the first time I ever opened up about my past which also made me realize I enjoyed speaking in front of people even if it terrifies me.

I remember some things very clearly about the night, others are a blur. I do not not remember what the people before or after me spoke about, I don’t remember what anyone spoke about that night. I do remember the slamming of my heart in my chest. I remember I was wearing my black rainbows and I had on purple toe nail polish because I remember staring at my feet trying to convince my self the beating in my chest was just anxiety. Not God thumping on my heart saying ‘GET UP THERE.’

I’m not sure if you’ve ever felt God pressing you to do or say something but I did that night after the slamming heart, my palms bega sweating I couldn’t stop wiping them off on my jeans. Then almost in a trance I felt myself stand up and thats when I realized my legs had turned into jello and my stomach was infested with butterflies. I remember stepping up to the stage and I felt a buzz in the air and every hair on my arms stood on end as I opened my mouth to speak.

I honestly couldn’t tell you what I said because I don’t remember. I know the gist of what I said, I know I realized that I was talking to a huge group of people, a great many of them from my high school and I faintly remember ‘God please don’t let any of these people breathe a word of this at school or I will hate my life.”

The next thing I remember is tears filling my eyes and I took of my glasses off and the blip of thought that i would never wear my glasses on stage again because it was so much better when I couldn’t seen anyone. The next thing i recall is stepping of the stage and feeling like I was going to collapse and suddenly being enveloped in a huge hug. I was confused at first then I realized it was my big brother and I collapsed into his arms and the waterfall of tears came. I never felt more safe then that hug from my brother he is my hero.