A bit of honesty… from a hurting heart.
Okay, lately i’ve been having a love/anger relationship with God… while I see his work all over my life and him doing amazing things, today i am mostly angry.
I am angry, sad and hating to see my Grandma in pain. I am angry that God allows things to happen to people, even though I KNOW its for his glory in the end. It still really freaking sucks. She is in severe pain, has trouble sitting up, and cannot even take care of her chickens. She is hurting and still enduring chemo and she doesn’t have anyone at home steadily to take care of her and it just seems so unfair.
I do all I can to help. I come home as often as possible, do as much around the house as I can, and I pray constantly for her but she still suffers and my heart breaks more and more. I wish I could take away her pain, take away her cancer. I wish all these things knowing I myself cannot do it.
And through my anger I pray, I pray and I feel God surrounding me and holding me through my anger. But the anger is still there because it really is not fair. And I know he never said it would be fair…. it was not fair that Christ died for me but he did it anyway and for that I rejoice even when the tears fall. I know he loves me even when I am angry and cares for me despite my anger. I just have learn to be okay with my anger.
In other words Cancer sucks.