Recognizing my strength
My first 10 years of life as a child I was constantly and consistently told I was worthless. I was told by men who were supposed to be my ‘Dad’ that I was useless, nasty, worthless and unimportant. I was called weak and stupid.
And I believed it. But i didn’t know I was believing it… i was believing it and letting it channel towards anger, and I fought back.
I many times stepped in front of my mother at a young age and tried to fight for her. I wanted to protect her because protecting her gave me a fire in my heart to fight for the weak.
But still to this day I struggle with seeing my own actions as strength. There is still that voice in me saying ‘Shelby you’re worthless’ and when I hear that voice I rebel. I make hard decisions and actually go through with them. I fight for peace in my heart. I scream at that voice I AM BIGGER THAN YOU.
I’ve forgive people when they hurt me and not known it took guts to do so.
I’ve loved hard and with wild abandon and have had my heart broken but I stood up and dusted my self off and continue to love and not realized that took strength
I’ve shared my story of hurt and shame and renewal and not thought twice about it taking bravery to be so open.
I’ve walked down a runway for a friend’s fashion show and was not scared on bit.
I’ve sang at the top of my lungs even if its out of key.
I’ve chased my dreams only because I knew I had to.
I’ve made decisions that hurt people but knew it was God’s desire and not thought it bold.
I’ve stood up for myself because I knew no one else might.
I’ve waged war with Satan on the behalf of people I love, and I still continue to fight with my faith that they will be reconciled to Christ.
I’ve cried until it hurt and still got up the next morning and faced the day.
I’ve been abandoned by family but still trusted in others.
I’ve danced wildly because it made me feel beautiful.
I’ve had doors slammed in my face, I’ve lost or said goodbye to 90% of the people I love, I’ve conquered my fears.
And in all this I never saw MY strength because I now know I don’t HAVE any strength. It always has been and always will be Jesus giving me his strength, his heart, his love for people.
I have no strength but I have FAITH. And through that faith I find the strength to be brave, bold and courageous.
Through faith I love without fear and I ALWAYS get back up when I am knocked down.
Those times I heard ‘you are worthless’ God was covering them with whispers of “Your worth is found in me”
And thats how I have not only survived but thrived in this broken world.