Today I rode with my Grandma to pick up my Mom in Myrtle Beach, I don’t see my mom often so i was excited but also just felt very bleh before i left. My heart felt burdened and heavy and my mind was so full and frazzled. Writing in my journal was even difficult, I’m sure if I looked back on my writing it wouldn’t make much sense. I know I dooodled lots of question marks and wrote ‘this is how i feel’. I felt this weight on me and it was so many things that I couldn’t grasp and bring to the surface as to what this heaviness was.
But on our ride to Myrtle in between occasional chatting with Grandma i sat with myself and slowly identified all those things weighing me down. I sat with each of them and then silently bid them goodbye. I wanted badly to have a releasing ceremony for the solstice, my new favorite friend (though I’ve yet to introduce myself to her in the blogging world but I already consider her a friend) Pixie Campbell shared this video and the subsequent posts all really made me want to hold my own burning ceremony but I just didn’t make the time for it.
That was the first thing I felt weighing on me, that I didn’t make time to do this thing I really wanted to do and therefore I wasn’t letting myself release those burdens of the year that all these amazing women were. (Ridiculously silly I know)
The next thing I pulled from the depths of my mind and sat with was my break up with Robbie. I still felt guilt for hurting him and his family even though he and I have already begun the road towards rebuilding our friendship. But I sat with that guilt for a bit, I felt the full heaviness of it and all the hurt I’d been bottling up then with a silent prayer of forgiveness for myself and asking for forgiveness I let it go.
I slowly did this for all those burdens from the simple to the big. Every fear, hurt and worry I experience this year. I brought them to the surface, I embraced them I embraced all the things I learned from every thing that happened and with a prayer I let it go. 2011 was a really hard year, but I’ve had many hard years in this life and I survived each one, but this upcoming year I don’t want to just survive. I want to thrive so in my own releasing ceremony I illuminated all the darkness in my heart, and when the light came in the darkness had no where to go but out.
But there was one worry I didn’t let out, I held onto it because I didn’t want to get my hopes up. But this evening I went to a christmas party with some of my closest family friends and I brought my Mom. And when I saw them all welcome her and love on her the way they have always loved on me it was the final piece of my releasing ceremony. Letting go of that worry and seeing the pieces of my heart together and the smiles and laughter I was surrounded by was the last weight lifted off of me.
I ended the night in Tim and Christy’s garage alone and had communion by myself for the first time ever. It was the perfect ending to releasing all that darkness I’d been carrying. By getting on my knees in prayer to God asking to be filled. After emptying and releasing those hurts I was filled by the only one I ever want to be filled with. And as I stood again I felt lighter and I felt a warmth that I’ve come to identify with as the Holy Spirit and I am now feeling eager for 2012 and all that it will bring; both the Joy and the Suffering because I will embrace them both and grow even more.