One Year Later, I still ache
I’m starting this blog post 29 days (Feb 1st) before i hit publish because I already know March 1st is going to be a difficult day for me. Because March 1st means I’ve spent a year of my life without my Grandpa, and that hole in my heart is still gaping.
98% of the time I honestly don’t even let myself think about it, its so much easier that way, because when i think about his death and the fact that he is not here anymore this emptiness suddenly fills my chest and I feel hollow but heavy at the same time. It almost feels like my chest is going to either implode or explode and i also can’t get past the lump in my throat. This awful feeling just lingers with me and I cry and cry. So thats why i put it out of my mind most of the time because i still cannot process it completely. its still there under the surface and when I read articles like this one my chest aches.
I still haven’t published any pictures from my grandpa’s funeral because idk if its morbid or not to do so. I also have those pictures printed hiding in a corner of a box because I cannot look at them without losing it completely.
(Feb 25th: ) The ceremony was beautiful and perfect. Arlington National Cemetery is such a honorable resting place for my Grandpa. But I still wish he was here. I wish it every single day. I still struggle with why he had to be taken away from me. I still get angry with God about it all. I have dreams of Grandpa being with me and when I wake up in tears. I will be hurt and angry and just want to yell at him and you know what? God can handle my anger, He can handle my broken aching heart and when no earthly thing can fulfill my desire to be near my grandpa again the ONLY thing that calms me is when I curl up in bed, put on my grandpa’s flannel sweater and cry to God about it. I get my bible out and I read, I journal my thoughts and prayers. God gets me through it… every. single. time.
(Feb 27th: ) I still get frustrated with myself, I think ‘shouldn’t i be over this more by now?’ But I’m not, and i’m beginning to realize it will take a long time of healing for me. My Grandpa was a huge part of my life. He was more of a dad than my biological father is. He loved me so much and I loved him even more. I’m realizing its okay to not be ‘over it’ and I may not ever get ‘over it’ because I’m human and he was MY grandpa, MY hero, and MY friend. He was mine and losing something you love that much will always always cause pain.
I’m going to quit trying to ‘get over it.’ I’m going to embrace my mourning and allow myself to experience the grief i need to. And I’m going to snuggle into his flannel when I’m sad. I’m going to pray to God when the ache becomes to much. I have been changed by this loss and I’m not going to let that bother me.
(Feb 29th) : Tomorrow is March 1st, Its going to be a busy day with school and serving at our student ministry. It will be hard for me to not get teary-eyed constantly and I don’t doubt I will have a few breakdowns, I am good at emotional breakdowns. I have been wrestling for about a week now with all these emotions and grief I’ve felt. I wrote a short memoir piece for my Creative Writing class about my experience with my Grandparents being diagnosed with cancer and Grandpa dying, it was hard but it was also the first time I wrote freely and honestly about it. And it did provide some healing to my weary heart.
Tomorrow is going to be hard, I know it but I am blessed by beautiful friends, a loving family, and a God who cares about those hurts. So my tears will be dried, I will be hugged, and I will be cared for.
I will allow myself to feel the weight of my loss, I will mourn and grieve, I won’t get over it. I will grow from it.