On grief, and release

by shelbyisrad

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It’s been a really tough few weeks for me and this morning I wrote to some very dear friends these words:

“Grief is so hard for me.
And while death is surrounding me lately I am digging for the meaning, the truth in all of it. I can’t form words or even images around all this distress in my heart, and even worse the overwhelming sadness I have seeing my sweet Grandma alone, again. The word ‘it’s not fair, it’s not fair’ are ricocheting around in my mind and I just want to scream those words out at God, at the world, and all the good things I see everywhere, even the good and beauty in my life.”

And their responses encouraged me to scream, to release, to let go. To journey through my grief and the pain and to know I am still loved in all of it.

I have been taught so many times to keep in my feelings, to maintain a happy face. To stay positive. And I am an extemely positive person, I joke that I’m optimistic to a fault sometimes.

But I want to be angry.
I don’t want to hear “it’ll be okay”s from friends, even if they’re saying it because they care.

I want to stomp my feet and scream IT’S NOT FAIR.

Because it’s not, life is un-freaking-fair and I’m not sorry for that opinion.
It’s not fair that my selfless, kind, incredible grandmother would lose the first man to ever make her feel truly loved after only having him for six months.
The pain and suffering that surrounds me and every other person on this Earth, it’s all unfair.

And I’m allowed to be angry, because I know those feelings will pass. I’m allowed to feel deep sorrow not only for the loss of a precious life, but knowing my Grandma hurts too. That’s the most painful of all of it for me, that I cannot soak up this hurt from her.
That is what is truly grieving my heart.

So I let it go, the emotions. I am screaming it’s not fair. I’m allowing the anger, the sorrow, (the joy too) allowing it all.

{And in this release, I am becoming.}

(extreme amounts of love to my tribe for their communing around me this morning as I ached. their love makes me brave)

 

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