It still hurts
There’s this ache in my heart, that sometimes I am really good at ignoring.
I think i’m okay with it, i’m doing just fine. then something unexpected happens, like a friend complaining that their mom is needy, or someone asks about my parents, or her number comes up on my phone and I hesitate to answer.
Its the words “I never knew my dad… My mom left when I was 10.”
Its the phrase “I’m technically an orphan.”
Its the difficulty with filling out a damn FASFA form for financial aid and writing the letter every year that says “I still don’t have contact with my mother to get her tax information.”
It’s when I do talk to my mom and she says she loves me and just wanted to hear my voice, I want to scream at her WELL COME BE IN MY LIFE AND YOU CAN HEAR IT ALL THE TIME. But its also knowing, I don’t know how I’d let her be in my life, I don’t really know how to be her daughter anymore.
It’s remembering the nights when I was seven years old, and he was angry and abusive and blaming me for things she had done. It was his disgust with the fact that I LOOKED like her and somehow that was my fault?
Its the realization when I look in the mirror that I DO look so much like my mom and sometimes I wish I didn’t.
Its those holidays where everyone posts about their terrific parents, and I know my grandma is the greatest thing in the world but still. It hurts.
It’s the tears that stung my eyes when I realized I had no pictures of the two of us together to put on this post.
It’s the realization I’m not so good at ignoring the hole left where she should be, maybe its there all the time.
I sometimes wish I could numb myself to it, but that would be even worse. That angsty song Pain, by Three Days Grace has a point: “I’d rather feel pain than nothing at all” That ache, it’s a part of me. It makes me appreciate the women in my life all that much more. It meant I was raised by the most incredible woman in the world, my grandmother. It means I have an ability for huge compassion and empathy for others who know this pain. It means I know what its like to be an orphan, and to fall into the arms of a savior who adopts me as His own.